THE LITTLE THINGS KEEPING YOU CONNECTED
What are bond feeders?
You’ve ended the relationship. So why is he still getting so much airtime in your head?
Sometimes it’s obvious: checking his socials or rereading old messages. Sometimes you’re halfway through an imaginary conversation with him before you realise you’ve invited him along on the school run.
I call these little habits “bond feeders” because they can keep feeding the emotional connection, even when you’re trying desperately to move on.
It’s like cancelling the subscription but still tuning in every day.
Different disguises. The same pull back to him.
Environmental
The aftershave, the playlist, the jumper. Familiar things can bring him to mind, and sometimes you find yourself deliberately revisiting them to feel close to him again.
Digital
Checking his socials. Rereading old messages. Asking his “last seen” status to explain his feelings.
Mental
Replaying the breakup, rehearsing imaginary arguments or planning the outfit for that entirely accidental encounter.
Social
Asking mutual friends how he is. Checking who liked his photo. Turning a catch-up into a small intelligence-gathering operation.
You might recognise several. This isn’t a checklist of things you’re doing wrong, or an instruction to throw out everything he ever touched.
It’s about noticing which patterns keep pulling you back, so you can begin choosing what helps you move forward.
But what if you can’t block him?
You share children. A workplace. A business.
You can’t exactly tell him to communicate about school pick-up by carrier pigeon.
Necessary contact isn’t a failure to move on.
Calm-Contact means keeping room for the practical conversations while learning ways to make them less emotionally consuming. Unbonding also looks at what happens afterwards, when the conversation about Friday becomes an evening spent wondering what he really meant.
Less detective work. More of your evening back.
Noticing is where change begins.
You don’t have to catch every thought or ban yourself from ever mentioning him. Start by noticing one familiar pattern, without giving yourself a telling-off.
Ask yourself: “Does this help me deal with something today, or leave me feeling pulled back into him?”
Noticing gives you somewhere to start, to disconnect your nervous system from him, so you can start to heal and rebuild a better future.
My tools work with the subconscious
My digital tools, audios and courses are designed to be easy to absorb because who needs hours of studying when you’re sobbing into your pillow.
Lots of the coaching tools are interactive and guided to help you practise new responses so you can begin to feel more in control (and it can feel effortless).
Think: press play, relax and listen - it’s easy!
Because you don’t want moving on to become another full-time job supervising your thoughts while your brain tries to sneak him in through the side door.
The products are designed to work quickly, without the cost and time involved with traditional therapy. (NB - please don’t get me wrong, I am a therapist myself and I am a big fan of therapy, especially hypnotherapy. My products do however work wonderfully alongside therapy. So if that works better for you, that’s great. Remember coaching is very different to therapy.)
Wondering what’s keeping you stuck?
My “Why Am I Stuck?” quiz can help you make sense of your patterns and find your next step.